What Is Equal Parenting Exactly?

“Women will only have true equality when men share with them the responsibility of bringing up the next generation.” -Ruth Bader Ginsburg

It’s truly hard to find equality in having a baby, especially in a heterosexual marriage. The father is responsible for one act of intercourse while the mother spends 9 months dramatically transforming her life inside and out to bring a baby into the world. Talk about the scales being tipped right from the start.

Then there’s the systemic issues working against us. From patriarchal ideology to limited access to paternity leave. To be able to participate equally in caring for their child, is a privilege that not all fathers get, even if they want it.

While COVID made so many things about being pregnant and having a newborn really hard, it did grant my husband and I a great gift, a true opportunity to take on equal parenting! We were at home together for the first 6 months of our baby’s life. This was not only a blessing but a true testament to what support and equality can look like if we as individuals and as a society, fight for it.

What is equal parenting exactly? Well, it’s a decision for two partners to share equally in raising children, household chores, supporting the family monetarily, and self-care/recreation. A great resource for more information on equally shared parenting and ways to implement it is: “Equally Shared Parenting,” by Marc and Amy Vachon

My husband, knowing how obsessed I am with things being “equal”, truly did everything in his power to take on any burdens he could while I spent 9 months doing the arduous task of growing a baby. And it was arduous! He cooked, cleaned, did the laundry and the grocery shopping. He limited his surfing and drinking in solidarity. He fully supported my health by encouraging things like pre-natal massages, acupuncture, and pregnancy support groups. He read pregnancy and child-rearing books with me and we took birthing and infant care classes together. He did a tremendous job chipping in, while both he and I worked from home full time. We bore different ‘burdens’ but we bore them together!

During my first few weeks postpartum, Dad changed almost every diaper and shared equally in holding and soothing the baby, which is truly a 24 hour gig. I could always offer baby Sky my milk to sooth her, but Dad mastered yoga-ball bouncing and some cool soothing holds that worked like a charm…

Nights were a whole other challenge, arguably the hardest part of having a newborn! I know so many couples where the woman is solely responsible for the baby at night. This essentially means that the woman, who has gone through pregnancy, labor, dramatic hormonal shifts and lactating, is also incredibly sleep deprived.

There is a dilemma here. It is a somewhat common practice that if the man is working full time, the woman tends to the baby at night. The problem is, if the man is working all day, then the woman is probably taking care of a newborn by herself all day. If this isn’t a full-time job (plus overtime) then I don’t know what is!

I’ve often heard the comment “you can sleep when the baby sleeps.” But does the person making such a comment realize that newborns often sleep in short bursts, and often only while you’re holding them? Not to mention that you have to hurry up and do things like eat, go to the bathroom, and clean up if you do happen to get a minute without baby in arms. I agree you should sleep when the baby sleeps, but that won’t take care of your sleep deprivation. Being sleep deprived and unsupported on long dark nights likely plays a role in post-partum depression and can certainly cause resentment. If a family set-up doesn’t work for sharing the night duties with a newborn, night doulas are a great option!

There are MANY ways to work the nights equally, and lots of variables. We wanted to stay together in our bed, with Sky in her bassinet. So, equal parenting the nights for us looked something like this:

· Baby cries. Dad pops up and grabs her.

· Dad changes diaper if needed.

· Mom is drinking water (another full-time job,) then sets up to feed.

· Mom breastfeeds while Dad lays back down and relaxes/sleeps.

· Mom hands baby back over to Dad to burp and put back down in bassinet.

· Sleep a little, then repeat.

Even though my husband and I were both tired, we were fully in it together. This was essential to our individual happiness, happiness as partners and as new parents. My body and mind recovered fully and quickly in my post-partum stage. My husband and I felt really connected and grateful for each other. My baby bonded with both of her parent’s every day and night.

We have a LONG road ahead of us in our equal parenting journey; the scales will surely tip from time and time and roles will change as needed. But it is my belief that these first few months of life are essential for setting up habits and systems that will be the foundation for the family. If Dad plays a large role in infancy, it sets him up to play a large role for life!

I feel grateful every day that I have a partner who supports equality. Grateful that my daughter will get to grow up in a household where duties are shared, where women and men, Mom’s and Dad’s, are treated as equals. A household where, as it turns out, Dad is better at cooking and cleaning than Mom is. A household where tasks are divided based on preferences, abilities, and circumstances, not based on gender.