To Sleep Train, or Not to Sleep Train, That is the Question

The topic of sleep and babies is as polarizing as politics. Babies are all different and parents are all different, so it’s not surprising that there are many different ways to deal with getting your babies to sleep. As a first-time mom, the problem that I’ve encountered is not the abundance of ideas, but how divided people are on this topic, and how terribly judgmental.

One side screams:

“If you soothe your baby, you are making them needy. If you sleep with your baby, you are risking their life!” 

The other side shouts back:

“If you let your baby cry, you are causing them distress. Babies cannot soothe themselves and if you dare to let them try, they will have insecure attachments for the rest of their lives!” 

How is a new mother to know what to do? 

I was very fortunate in that my baby girl, Skywalker, was a good sleeper from the start. I thought I’d won the lottery. I thought I could get away without deciding whether or not to sleep train, my baby had simply taught herself! But then came the dreaded 4 month sleep regression. Dun, dun, dun! 

As it turns out, this is not so much a “regression” as a period of growth and transformation. Baby’s sleep changes to include: additional cycles of deep and light sleep, production of melatonin, and connection to circadian rhythms. Unfortunately, the baby doesn’t know how to use their new sleep tools. Add to this trying to ease the baby out of her swaddle and into her crib, and you have the perfect sleeping storm. 

Sky was now waking several times a night after months of sleeping all the way through. She could only be soothed back to sleep by breastfeeding. Suddenly, I was feeding her every hour or two through the night. Each night, I eventually brought her into my bed, because I was too tired not to. 

Here, I found the beauty of co-sleeping. 

All night long I could hear Sky’s breath, feel her energy and she mine. Sometimes in the night she’d reach her hand out and put it on my face or wiggle towards me and wrap her legs around my arm. I loved having her there beside me. 

However, Sky’s sleep didn’t seem to be getting any more consistent. She was waking up crying several times a night. After a few weeks my husband and I were sleep deprived, ornery, and dreading the night. In tears, one morning, I thought of something said by a postpartum doula that I worked with. It was in regard to breastfeeding, “Does that work for you?” She asked. “Remember that breastfeeding is a relationship between you and your baby. It needs to work for both of you.” Unfortunately, as natural and sweet as co- sleeping felt, it wasn't working for us. 

So, I read parenting articles and found a lot of manipulative information and “fake news.” Then I read actual studies and found that there is nothing super concrete on either side of the argument. Studies like this one conclude that what matters most is not how or where you choose to put your child to sleep, or how often you do or don’t attend to them during the night, but that you are attuned to their cues and consistent with your responses. 

Understanding your baby and responding to their needs in clear ways is key. No one should have to feel bad for sleep training or for not sleep training!

I hired a sleep consultant in my area with the most overwhelmingly positive Yelp reviews. She offered options, science-based info, guidance and support. She taught me that sleep training isn’t only about sleep, but about creating healthy habits and routines. Feeding schedules, synching naps with circadian rhythms, reading your babies sleep cues, and helping to jumpstart melatonin. “Sleep training” starts with creating optimal environments and conditions for a baby to sleep well. It was a terribly worthwhile investment to work with her! 

Confession time, I sleep trained my baby with the full extinction “cry it out” method. And it really worked for us! 

There were a number of reasons I decided on this method (will discuss, along with my experiences with the method in another article.) Though I truly felt it was the right call, I was very afraid to tell people for fear of being judged. There were moments where I felt like a bad mother because I allowed my baby to cry uncomforted, because I wasn’t willing to sacrifice my sleep in order to constantly sooth her. It was hard to combat these feelings. It still is. I miss having her in bed with me, her tiny hand wrapped around my finger. But everything is a give and take, and motherhood truly is a balancing act. 

Now, I am well rested and have shed that terrible anxiety that was creeping up before bedtime. My relationship with my husband is better, I’m healthier, happier, and a more productive and present Mom. 

But more importantly, my 6 month old sleeps 12 straight hours through the night. Every night! She’s less fussy during the day because she’s well rested. Sleeping on her own has helped her to perfect new skills like rolling over and soothing herself with her hand or a pacifier. She can now fall asleep happily on her own, with a book, a song, three deep breaths in my arms and a kiss goodnight. 

Sleep training has helped me to learn a key lesson of motherhood: you have to trust your intuition, listen to your babies needs and listen to your own needs. Choosing which way your family sleeps is personal and no one should have to feel bad about what they decide on. 

Let’s all support each other’s well informed choices and cheer each other on as we all do our best to get our rest and be the best parents we can be!